The behaviour is not always where the story begins
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Hi Reader, If you are here because family life keeps breaking in the same places, I want to say gently. You are not failing because the same moments keep repeating. The school morning that goes wrong before anyone has even found their shoes. The after-school explosion that seems to come from nowhere. The bedtime battle that leaves everyone exhausted. The screen transition that turns into shouting, tears, guilt and that awful feeling of: “Why are we here again?” When you are living inside those moments, it is very easy to believe the problem is the behaviour right in front of you. The refusal. The shouting. The crying. The running away. The arguing. The shutting down. The child who will not move, will not listen, will not explain, will not “just do the thing”. And because you care, your mind starts looking for the reason. “Am I being too soft?” “Am I being too strict?” “Have I made this worse?” “Why can everyone else manage this?” “What am I doing wrong?” I know that place. As a mum of five, I know how quickly a normal day can become a pressure cooker. Through my work in psychology, emotional safety and family systems, I have learned something that has changed the way I see these moments: The behaviour is not always where the story begins. Sometimes it is where the story becomes visible. The missing shoe may not be the whole problem. The wrong cup may not be the whole problem. The bedtime refusal may not be the whole problem. The screen being turned off may not be the whole problem. Sometimes these are the points where everything your child has been holding, coping with, avoiding, masking, fearing or trying to manage finally breaks through. That does not mean behaviour does not matter. It does not mean there are no boundaries. It does not mean everyone else in the family has to tiptoe around one child forever. It means we may need to stop asking only: “How do I make this stop?” Begin asking: “What is this repeated moment trying to show me?” That question changes the work. Now we are not just reacting to the explosion. We are looking for the pattern underneath it. What happens before? What demand has landed? What transition is being asked of them? What sensory pressure, uncertainty, hunger, tiredness, separation, shame or fear might be sitting underneath? What happens afterwards? What helps them recover? What makes the next time more likely? This is the heart of the work I do with parents. Not perfect parenting. Not performative calm. Not another chart that works for three days and then becomes one more thing to feel guilty about. We look underneath the behaviour. We find the pressure point. We build a calmer bridge back. So, as we begin this little series, I would love you to notice one thing this week. Not everything. Not the whole family system. Not every trigger, every need, every mistake, every possible explanation. Just one repeating moment. The moment where you find yourself thinking: “Here we go again.” Maybe it is collection time. Maybe it is stopping screens. Maybe it is homework. Maybe it is bedtime. Maybe it is the tiny request that somehow becomes a battle. Start there. Not because it is your fault. It may be information. Information gives us somewhere kinder and clearer to begin. If you want to, reply to this email with the moment that keeps repeating in your house. You do not need to explain everything. You do not need to write a perfect summary. Just send me the moment. Something like:
That is enough. We begin with the moment. Then we look underneath. Naomi x P.S. If you need words for the hot moments — the moments where your child is overwhelmed and you cannot think what to say - you can start with my de-escalation scripts here: https://thehrologist.kit.com/de-escalation-scripts-for-high-demand-moments Reply with the moment that keeps repeating in your house. Book Free Clarity Call Emails and any attachments from The HRologist Ltd are confidential and intended solely for the named recipient(s). If you are not the intended recipient, please notify the sender immediately by replying to this email and then delete it. You must not copy, distribute, store, or otherwise use the information in any way. Please note that, under the Data Protection Act 2018 and the Freedom of Information Act 2000, the contents of this email may be disclosed in response to a lawful request. Although attachments will have been checked for viruses before transmission, you are advised to carry out your own virus checks before opening them. The HRologist Ltd accepts no liability for any loss or damage caused by software viruses. Foxglove Way, Mansfield , Nottinghamshire NG20 8HZ Unsubscribe · Preferences |